hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
