i think my tv is drunk
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
