i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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