apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
