Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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