Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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