i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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