Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
