someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
