you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
