Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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