my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
