He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
