im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
