just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
