Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
