This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
