I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
