this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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