Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
