There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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