watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
