so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
