i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
