your thong is hanging out like whoa
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
