Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Randomize
