Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
