I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
