She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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