this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
