this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
