I want to walk on stilts...naked
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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