Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
