Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
