maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
