Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I take back everything I said about communal showers
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
