Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
