Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
