Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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