Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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