Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
