bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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