Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
