My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
