I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
