Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
