im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
now i know why i became what i already was.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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