wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Randomize
