is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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