You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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