I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
