I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We have started to decorate penises.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
