am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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