I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
