I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
