i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
